Spare Me Any Change

Ask anybody in the street what comes to mind when they hear the name Monty Beantipper, and they will likely reply "'pro-active' low-carb and sweet pony loving". Few, if any, will recall Monty's numerous unsuccessful attempts to bring down the British government and seize power. Monty always harboured a deep-seated resentment for those in power, with the possible exception of Margaret Thatcher, whom he found erotically charging.

Monty's powerful beliefs about our right to freedom, dignity and free love led, in 1995, to his naked streak along Downing street whilst wildly swinging a samurai sword, during which he risked losing all that he held dear.

Courage Under Fire

"People swallow greedily any starch-based lie that flatters them, but they sip only little by little at a
carb-free truth they find bitter." ~Monty Beantipper

Over many years, myself and Monty honed a theory which attempted to explain why some people low-carb, whilst others stubbornly resist low-carb's glaringly obvious benefits. We both eventually came to the conclusion that ketosis had a positive effect on that part of the human brain which is responsible for maintaining right and proper thinking. Therefore, it stood to reason that the consumption of carbohydrate led to the development of an acute predisposition toward wrongness.

Once published, reactions to our hypothesis from those in the scientific community ranged from mere threats of death, to some very real sniper attacks. This only served to validate our suspicion that, thanks to carbohydrate, there's none so blind as those who will not see.

A Quick Butcher's at the Good Book

Ketogenesis, Chapter 16, Verse 9:
"Rejoice, for the tent of low-carb is with mankind, and normoglycemia resides with them. Anyone conquering carbohydrate will inherit these things. Outside are the carb-ridden dogs and those who are disgusting in their starchy filth, and all those who are liking and carrying on a carb-fuelled lie."

It will likely surprise a great many people to hear that Monty never hated high-carbers. He always said that we should hate the sin, not the sinner. He was, in actual fact, supremely indifferent to all the nutty advocates of high-carb. Make mention of starch, however, and Monty would hiss and spit like an angry bunny-boiler. Mention simple sugars, and there would surely be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from our Mr Beantipper.

But what, you may ask, did Monty make of the many low G.I mod-carbers? Once again, he happily took direction from low-carb scripture;

2nd Macadamians, Chapter 6, Verse 2:
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were cold or else hot. So, because you are a lukewarm G.I Joey and neither hot nor cold, I am going to vomit you out of my mouth like a chocolate brazil."

She's Yours for a Pony, Guv'nor

One of my earliest memories of Monty is seeing him on TV during his participation in the 1984 winter olympics. It was the first time I'd ever laid eyes on a toboggan, and, judging by his performance, toboggans were new to Monty too. After a seemingly inevitable crash on the first bend, a gravely injured Monty was administered the kiss of life by a quick-thinking mountain rescue pony called Trixie, who, as we all now know, was a caring pony of the Shetland kind.

Monty's misinterpretation of Trixie's life-saving actions led to a tempestuous affair/ponynapping which lasted for the best part of a decade, only coming to an end when a joist in Monty's loft gave way. To this day, Monty's wife has never gotten over the shock of seeing her naked husband clinging to a startled pony, as it came crashing through the ceiling and proceeded to all but destroy her favorite coffee table.

With his marriage on the rocks and Trixie now very much at large, Monty threw himself into "pro-active" low-carbing, developing a keen interest in the written works of a certain Roger "keto-warrior" Jenkins. Inspired by my militant advocation of carbohydrate restriction, Monty launched an audacious petrol bomb attack on the Bromsgrove franchise of Pizza Hut, which led to a lengthy spell without eyebrows for the manager and a lengthy spell in prison for Monty.

Goodbye: Monty Beantipper

As many of you will already be aware, on Wednesday April 29th, 2009, one of "pro-active" low-carb's brightest shining lights met with a particularly grizzly end. Though the precise details of Monty's death are still a little sketchy, I am able to confirm that, contrary to rumour, honey-roasted cashews appear not to have been involved. I am unable to make comment about my own theories on Monty's demise, for fear of being branded a complete and utter loon, but I will say that I'm almost certain that it was Colonel Mustard, in the drawing room, with the waffle iron.